Larry Blahter and the Goblet on Fire
by samster146
Summary: When Larry Blahter, Ronald McDonald, and Unpronounceable Granger find out that their good ol' chum, Seriously Whack, has been kidnapped by the evil Lord Moldywart, they know that they have to go save him before it's too late.


"Dang, I fold again!" Ronald McDonald, Larry's best friend said.

"BWUAAHAHAHA!" said Larry victoriously. "That'll be £100 for me! Ha ha! LOOOSER!!!"

"You sure you aren't cheating, Larry? Moldywart takes his poker very seriously, you know."

"Yes, Larry," said his other best friend, Unpronounceable Granger. "You've got to learn how to play properly. It could end up saving our lives in the battle against Moldywart---I mean, 'He-Who-Probably-Should-Be-Named-But-It's-Just-That-We're-Just-All-Big-Wusses."

Ah, yes. Moldywart. It had been so long since Moldywart trudged up to Larry's door, trying to use his evil curse, "Evil-thingy-that-kills-you-iosa," but he did not use it correctly, and it turned the evil wizard into a plum.

But somehow, the dreaded Moldywart had escaped from his "plum state," and came back from the "dead" to wreak his evil havoc over the entire world, both wizards and "Muggles," the wizarding term for non-magic folk.

So now, Larry, Ronald, and Unpronounceable had to fight against him and all of his followers, the dreaded Death Drinkers. But at least they had Dumbasadoor on their side, the only wizard Moldywart was ever scared of. 6And when I say scared, I mean scared. And who wouldn't be scared of Dumbasadoor? I mean, really, his lifelong ambition is to be exactly 165.48 pounds, and his hobby is eating spinach-flavored salami in front of a roaring fire! Not exactly what I'd call normal!

"Hey Larry! I have a great idea!" Gin, Ronald's little sister exclaimed. "We should create an ARMY out of Bobswarts students! And then we could train them in a secret room them to fight against Moldywart!"

"That's a dumb idea," said Larry. "Hey, Gin! I have a GREAT idea! We should create an ARMY out of Bobswarts students! And then we could train them in a secret room to fight against Moldywart!"

"Great idea… I should have thought of it myself…" Gin said dully.

"Yeah really. God, Gin, I thought you were smart!" Larry said disappointedly. He shook his head and went "Tch, tch, tch."

"At least in this story I'm rich! I could just buy a flame thrower and burn your arms off!" Gin said angrily.

"Wait, wait, wait," Larry said. "Let's just back up for a minute here. You're rich?!?!?"

"Yeah."

"Oh, haven't you figured it out yet? I love you, Gin! I would do anything for you! Marry me now!" Larry said passionately. Gin just sighed and shook her head.

So that's what they did. I mean, not the whole married thing. The army thing.

Many people came to the army, which Larry named 'A Really Major Yam', or ARMY for short, so no one could tell what they were talking about. Upon hearing this, everyone agreed that Larry was very smart, and probably deserved the Nobel Prize for his mad anagram making skills.

So anyway, many people showed up, including Neville Bigbottom, Loony Lovegood, and Fred and George, among many others. Fred and George were Ronald's twin brothers with short-term memory loss. They constantly forget which is Fred and which is George, and actually mix up the names, like "Gred and Forge" or "Grorge and Fed." So as you could probably imagine, Larry had a very difficult time teaching them.

"No, Fred-"

"I'm Grorge."

"Oh, uh, sorry, George. But really, don't cast the 'Turn-into-a-stop-sign-iosa' spell on Neville! George, you've really got to work on this whole memory thing!"

"I'm Fred."

"AAAARGH!!!!"

But other then Fred and George, everyone else was doing fine. Except for that time when Loony Lovegood changed her pinky finger into a carrot… and ate it… everything was going well. Larry, Ronald, and Unpronounceable had successfully taught them many spells. Ronald had even taken ARMY out for fries and a milkshake!

But then, DISASTER, utter DISASTER struck! Bobby, a house-elf servant in Bobswarts, sprinted into the secret room at top speed, telling them that Professor Dumbbridge, a very mean and strict teacher, had discovered ARMY's whereabouts!

"Oh man, not again…" Larry sighed. "Are we gonna have to go back to that boys bathroom on the fifth floor corridor?" At this everyone made a grueling face.

"I hope not… because I hope that Zacarias Smith kid isn't in there this time… man, does that kid stink or what?!?!?" complained Unpronounceable.

"Uch… I can still smell it… the TERROR! TERROR!" screamed Ronald at the top of his lungs. But then something ELSE, utter ELSE happened. Larry fell asleep. But when he woke up, he was sweating and shaking with fear!

"Larry! What happened! Did you have a dream about He-Who-Probably-Should-Be-Named-But-It's-Just-That-We're-Just-All-Big-Wusses?" exclaimed Unpronounceable.

"Not really, but you're close!" said Larry.

"What, then?"

"Well…." began Larry, "there was this lollipop at Sears, and it was chasing me down a bowling alley, trying to eat the ice cream I had! And then this jellybean started doing the tango, while a rat named Harold was doing the worm…"

"But what does it all mean, Larry, _what does it all mean?_" asked Neville. At this Larry just smiled and shook his head.

"Neville, this I thought was obvious. My dream so obviously meant that my godfather, Seriously Whack, has been captured by Moldywart. I bet even Ronald here knew that one." At that, everyone just shook their heads.

"Oh my God! We've got to go to the Department of Mysteries now!"

So off went Larry, Ronald, Unpronounceable, Neville, Loony, and Gin to the Department of Mysteries.

_A bit later_

"Wow, I never knew buses smelled so bad," complained Gin angrily.

"WHAT? What in bloody hell are YOU guys doing here?

Neville, Gin, Loony, why the heck did you come with us?" Larry screamed.

"I like llamas," Loony said importantly.

"But really, why did you come? You're all so unbelievably stupid! You can't possibly battle against Moldywart!" But Larry had to deal with it after Gin used her "Thingy-That-Shuts-You-Up-iosa" curse.

So the 6 of them went into the Department of Mysteries.

They walked up to Sue, the lobby lady.

"Hello, ma'am," said Unpronounceable to Sue.

"Back at 'cha," said Sue. "And just so you know, here at  
the Department of Mysteries, we're selling a limited edition prophecy containing Larry Blahter and the one and only He-Who-Probably-Should-Be-Named-But-It's-Just-That-We're-Just-All-Big-Wusses, for a reasonable price of just £399,999 pounds! That isn't even £400,000 pounds!"

"I'm sorry, but we're gonna have to pass on that one," Larry said. "Anyway, so we have to get into the room where Seriously Whack is being held captive by Moldywart."

"Oh, I'm sorry, but I can't let you do that," Sue said sadly.

"Oh yeah? Why don'tcha ask the Queen here?" Ronald said, and slipped Sue £10 pounds.

"Room 216," Sue said briskly, and walked away.

_In room 216…_

The sextet burst through the door and flashed a ninja-style look at Moldywart, who was playing a game of poker with Seriously Whack and Mucus Malfoy.

"Mucus, I'll see your bet and raise you 50," said Moldywart.

"Hey, Moldywart!" said Larry.

Moldywart sighed. "Mucus, get him."

"Bwuahahahaha! You'll never get us!" yelled Loony. "For we have the Potato of Protection! You stand no chance!"

And she cackled wildly and ran out of the room.

"Yeah, that's right! You don't stand a chance against us!" Ronald said. "I'll kill you with my French Fry nunchucks! And by the way, they're limited edition, and you can buy them for just £1.50 at any participating McDonalds."

_One grueling fight later…_

The quintet was hanging in a rope net from the ceiling in Moldywart's apartment.

"Well that fight went well," shrugged Ronald. "Look, Mr. Wart, sir, could you, like, please let us out? I'll make your favorite…"

Moldywart gasped. "Pancakes with bacon in the shape of a smiley face? Bought at McDonalds? Heh heh, I just love them. Ba ba ba ba ba… I'm lovin' it!"

"That's the one," Ronald said. "After all, McDonald's is my specialty!" And at the push of a button, the five of them fell out of the trap.

"Hey Moldy, could you excuse me for a moment?" asked Larry. "I've just gotta go pick up that ol' prophecy that tells you how to kill me… I won't be long."

"'Kay, but come back before 10:00 sharp, when it's Evil-Thingy-That-Kills-You-iosa time! And remember, 10 sharp………… Hey, wait a minute!"

Larry strolled across to Sue, the lobby lady. He took out his checkbook, and wrote a check for £399,999 pounds. "Here you go, Sue."

"Whoa! £399,999 pounds? Well golly gee, I'll be darned. Here you go with that prophecy."

"NoOoOoOoOo!" yelled Moldywart, as he burst into the lobby. "If you give me that prophecy, I'll give you £500,000 pounds!"

"Well, I'll give you £600,000!" yelled Larry.

"Well, I'll give you £700,000!"

"£800,000!"

"£900,000!"

"£1,000,000!"

"£1,100,000!"

"£1,284,733!" yelled Larry.

"Uch, that's annoying," Moldywart said. "As luck would have it, I only have £1,284,73_2_ in my bank account."

"You know what, Moldy? We'll make a little deal here. We'll play a game of poker, and if I win, you let me keep the prophecy, and if you win, I'll give you the £2 you need to buy the prophecy from Sue."

So they played. "Dang, I fold again!" yelled Moldywart angrily.

"Ohhhh, looks like I beat you…" Larry said happily. He slapped down his remaining cards, which just so happened to be a royal flush. "Ohhhhh I win! Cha Cha Cha Cha Cha Cha! Cha Cha Cha Cha Cha Cha!" And Larry set off on a victory dance around the room.

"So, looks like I get the prophecy," Larry said. "But good game, Moldy. At least I won fair and square." And Sue gave the prophecy to him. "Now you know Moldy, I will break this, and play some good 'ol Metallica so you can't hear what it says, but I won't if you free my friends and Seriously Whack."

"Fine, fine…" Moldywart said. "But one more thing. Larry, I know this may be difficult for you to grasp, but… **I am your father! **Haha, just kidding."

_Back at Bobswarts…_

"Okay guys," Dumbasadoor said, "It's time to hear the prophecy." He cracked open the metal ball and an eerie presence filled the air. They all heard a mysterious voice that said:

_The first step…. soften two sticks of butter and put it in a bowl…  
The second step… add sugar…  
The third step… add some other stuff…  
The last step… take out your cake from the oven...  
And that's how to kill Larry!  
Sponsored by: McDonald's "Ba ba ba ba ba…. I'm lovin' it!"_

"A cake recipe?" Larry said. "I gave up 1.2 million pounds for a **cake recipe**?"

"Yes," Dumbasadoor replied. "It is good that you did. Because, Larry, you… have a deadly allergy to cake."

At this Larry broke into tears. Gin went to go comfort him lovingly.

"Oh well, it was all for the best," Dumbasadoor said.

"Uh-oh…" said Ronald. "I think we're missing someone…"

_Back in apartment 216_

"Yes! A royal flush!!!" Loony said happily. "I fold."


End file.
